Makeout Party

The year of the check-this-out

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Charlie Sheen’s Next Job

So stand up is out.  For now anyway.  It looks like Mr. Sheen may have to switch careers soon and I just wanted to throw a few suggestions I had as to possible follow ups to his comedic career.

1. Go Pro

Wrestling that is.  Lots of former actors have done stints on WWE playing themselves and jumping into the ring. Like David Arquette, Micky Rourke, even Hulk Hogan.  What do you say champ?

 

 

2. Get a Real Job 

Sure the economy is in the tank. But Warlocks aren’t affected by recessions (or drug laws?).  Which is why Sheen should get off the couch, take a few Franco-level classes at Yale and go corporate.

 

 

3. Find Jesus

It worked for Danny Baldwin.  

 

 

4. Try Acting

Many comedians go dramatic after they get stale.  It’s like when NFL players retire and become announcers.  They’re hard to watch, often out matched by their counterparts, and the whole time the only thing you can think of while watching is “Man they did NOT age well.”

 

 

5.  Start a Rock Band

If you’re a bitchin rock star from Mars, then prove it Mr. Sheen.  Let’s hear you shred.  My pitch for your band name…

 

(full disclaimer - I’m all for more professional looking photoshop but I’m also all more for apathy)

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NBA All-Star Retrospective

That’s right it’s a retrospective because some of us still don’t have smart phones.  So all this “live tweeting” witchcraft can go back to the voodoo anti-Jesus spirit world from whence it came!

But let’s concentrate on what’s really important, it’s NBA All-Star weekend.  Remember when we were like 5 or whatever and the NBA All-Star break took up one Sunday.  Well now it’s a whole weekend (Welcome to 1998 BITCH!)  And some of us have jobs that take us there.  Andso far it’s…well…worthy of being broadcast on TNT.

Tonight was the first night of the festivities which involved the Celebrity Jam and the Rookie/Sophomore game.  

First off…this Justin Bieber kid can play!  Between him and Sexy Rexy Fox being on the court at the same sexyt ime on the same sexy channel, I didn’t know who to swoon over mostest!  

At one point he juked someone and landed a three which made me realize that J-Biebs is probably the manifestation of an old black man who sold his soul to the devil in order to become a pretty white boy who was a successful musician before he hit puberty and oh, yeah, fucking WAYTOOGOOD at basketball!

Also, Blake Griffin is a beast (not a news flash).  His arms are bigger than my insecurities (discuss). 

All in all it was rad.  So I’ll leave you with the high and low of the evening…

LOW - B-Griff being way too saturated as an athlete and only playing 13.something minutes in the Rookie/Sophomore game tonight. (Although J-Wall looked BEAST!)

HIGH - The conversation I over heard leaving the locker room between a rather rapey employee and the single mother with two kids he was hitting on…

Rapey dude talking to creeped out mom’s kids - “That was a blast you guys. Now you should convince your mom to take a couple shots and we could all go have a lot MORE fun… ;) <— (creepiest wink EVER)

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So I may be late to the game but I&#8217;m just learning that Season 4 of the Jersey Shore will be shot in Italy.  Here are 6 reasons why that is a very awesome thing!
6. They can all return to Amurrca and forever annoy people at parties by pretentiously using the phrase &#8220;I spent some time in Europe.&#8221;
5. Italy is a lot like New Jersey, except with less guidos.
4. People still probably use Myspace a lot over there.
3. The guys wont be the only 4 people in the country with six packs.
2. There actually is NO age limit for consuming alcohol in Italy (it&#8217;s 16 to buy), which means at least half the cast is getting Roman Polanski&#8217;d.
1. When Italy is shown in TV and movies, it&#8217;s often super romanticized. And speaking as someone who spent some time in Europe (told you it was annoying, right? Like nails on a really pretentious chalk board), it&#8217;s fair to say there are many not so glamourous sides of the country as well.  But there are very, very few clubs, even in Rome.  Which means these guys will have to party/fist pump/roofie in youth hostels and churches.

Plue, Snooki+vespa=best gif of 2011.  I&#8217;m calling it.

So I may be late to the game but I’m just learning that Season 4 of the Jersey Shore will be shot in Italy.  Here are 6 reasons why that is a very awesome thing!

6. They can all return to Amurrca and forever annoy people at parties by pretentiously using the phrase “I spent some time in Europe.”

5. Italy is a lot like New Jersey, except with less guidos.

4. People still probably use Myspace a lot over there.

3. The guys wont be the only 4 people in the country with six packs.

2. There actually is NO age limit for consuming alcohol in Italy (it’s 16 to buy), which means at least half the cast is getting Roman Polanski’d.

1. When Italy is shown in TV and movies, it’s often super romanticized. And speaking as someone who spent some time in Europe (told you it was annoying, right? Like nails on a really pretentious chalk board), it’s fair to say there are many not so glamourous sides of the country as well.  But there are very, very few clubs, even in Rome.  Which means these guys will have to party/fist pump/roofie in youth hostels and churches.

Plue, Snooki+vespa=best gif of 2011.  I’m calling it.

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It's the end of the world! And iMovie!

So this website and video (which he claims cost him tons of dollarses (actual quote)) was created by Stansberry & Associates Investment Research; a totally not fake company that has totally never been sued by any government ever.

OBVIOUSLY it’s just a scare tactic, but what I find so funny about it, is that it is hilarious.

There have been radio commercials and adds pumped into this thing yet the entire video is some guy rambling into his macbook and typing EVERYTHING HE IS SAYING on the screen.  It’s like a really meta pop-up video.

My favorite part is when this random VO guy talks about how he has refused to run for public office when people have begging him cause that WOULD BE WAY HILARIOUSER! 

 Hey the-rent-is-too-damn-high party, meet the Amurrica-is-gonna-die party!

All in all the video is super fucking long and he never really gets to the point but the anticipation is legendary.  It’s the iMovie/text version of the water ripple in Jurassic Park only instead of a T-Rex it’s a financial meltdown and instead of teaching us humans not to play god it just asks for money.  So that’s a let down.

But hey, what if they’re right?  I don’t know about you guys but I’m pulling all of my two figure savings out of the banks and investing in bullets and guns son.  

Seacrest out.

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News Alert: The Saints will NOT drop Drew Brees!

NFL inside sources have told me that QB Drew Brees will NOT be let go by the New Orleans Saints.  Last season&#8217;s Super Bowl MVP, who this year threw for over 4600 yards and 33 touchdowns, will remain with the organization at least until his contract expires in 2048.  
I caught up with Saints coach Sean Payton who had this to add, &#8220;What? No we&#8217;re not firing Drew (Brees) are you fucking high(!?)  How did you get in my office?&#8221;
Early reports that Brees had met with some coaches and players from the Seahawks lead many to suspect that he would be jumping ship to Seattle.  It turns out that the Seahawks actually made the playoffs, and were to play the Saints last Saturday.  
Rumors have been circulating that the Hawks actually won the game and have advanced in the playoffs, but these rumors cannot be proven due to the fact that nobody watched the Saints/Seahawks NFC Wildcard game at 10AM on a Saturday.

News Alert: The Saints will NOT drop Drew Brees!

NFL inside sources have told me that QB Drew Brees will NOT be let go by the New Orleans Saints.  Last season’s Super Bowl MVP, who this year threw for over 4600 yards and 33 touchdowns, will remain with the organization at least until his contract expires in 2048.  

I caught up with Saints coach Sean Payton who had this to add, “What? No we’re not firing Drew (Brees) are you fucking high(!?)  How did you get in my office?”

Early reports that Brees had met with some coaches and players from the Seahawks lead many to suspect that he would be jumping ship to Seattle.  It turns out that the Seahawks actually made the playoffs, and were to play the Saints last Saturday.  

Rumors have been circulating that the Hawks actually won the game and have advanced in the playoffs, but these rumors cannot be proven due to the fact that nobody watched the Saints/Seahawks NFC Wildcard game at 10AM on a Saturday.

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Kel Mitchell to star in straight-to-DVD 2012 Oscar hopeful

So you know how sometimes when you’re walking around a Blockbuster (cause Netflix is a passing fad and not real and made up by the liberal media) and you see a VHS (cause DVDs are a passing fad and not real and made up by the liberal media) and this movie is clearly straight to video and clearly a rip off of another movie?  You know, they have Transmorphers instead of Transformers and whatnot in an attempt to confuse mothers who speak very little english that this is the movie their kid keeps whining about wanting to see.

Well these movies actually make money.  I’m guessing the market for these movies are 60% ironic hipsters buying it to be funny, 20% people pissed off when they realized they grabbed the fake movie, 10% creepy uncles who send random gifts to their estranged nephews and nieces, and 10% the guy who made the movie.

Battle of Los Angeles, is one of these movies.  Not to be confused with Battle: Los Angeles, a badass action flick that is going to make Skyline look like fucking Skyline.  The good news is, Battle OF Los Angeles stars none other than Kel Mitchell (Good Burger, All That, Battle OF Los Angeles).

And I mean it when I say I love me some Kel Mitchell and am more than happy to join the 60% think-it’s-ironic-to-not-know-what-ironic-means hipsters in buying this movie when it’s released straight to VHS.  The above link is for the imdb profile of the flick.  It also stars some chick who’s in soap operas and almost 50 and playing what I assume will be a twenty something female lead.  Get excited people.  This could be the Best Movie OF 2011.

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So are you guys stoked for Beaver?  Cause it comes with an endless supply of beaver puns and crappy movie jokes we are sure to hear on late night shows for the next 6 months.  

Honestly, I just want to skip this one.  I want for once to see a trailer for a shitty movie that everyone knows is a shitty movie and the internet officially deems as a shitty movie and have the studio go, ya know what?  Maybe we shouldn’t have let the chick from Contact direct a racist in a movie narrated by white Morgan Freeman?  Who is that guy?  It sounds like they got the editor to add a voice over on his way out the door on a Friday.  ”Yeah yeah…exposition…beaver…cool…it’s happy hour at Cabo so I’ll see you guys Monday.”

This movie makes me want to see Skyline again.

Seacrest, out!